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Young Writers Society



Beyond the Hills-Chapter 3

by Reuben A


Prologue: topic37432.html

Chapter 1: topic37490.html

Chapter 2: topic37965.html

CHAPTER III

"What's it like...beyond the hills?" Rachel asked Dran that night. They had been walking all day, and was now nearly half way to the hills, but still further than she had ever been away from the village.

"Different." Dran answered. Rachel looked at her brother. He was sleeping under a thick hairy pelt that Dran had given to him. He looked so peaceful. it was moments like these when she maddened herself for people like Zuriagh, who just couldn't get enough out off hurting her brother. She frowned. What was the point of it anyway? She thought to herself

"Different in which way?" Rachel asked, tearing herself from her thoughts.

"It's wild. Strange creatures roam freely across the land. right across the hills it's a barren land, for miles and miles. Black as coal. Cracked. there have been few who have crossed it. Your forefathers were a few."

"But you got across. What an accomplishment." She said with a confident smile. Their guide was one of those few.

"No. I did not get across. the elders used a device, carved out of stone, an arch, great gargoyles on either side, like pillars. Their tongues stick out as if to mock you. The arch defies gravity. Water lies vertically in it, as if the arch is flat. The Elders mutter a few devilish curses words over it, you step through the water, and here I am." Dran said, gesturing with his hand as if it was still standing in front of him. Rachel stared at the distant light of Stanio. How different the world outside sounded. She had read of gargoyles and dragons in her book, barren lands, lava, mountains, all she knew of only from her book.

"But you shouldn't trouble yourself with the journey in front, get some rest." Dran said, coming out of his dreamlike state.

* * *

Rachel felt a drip on her forehead.

"Wake u-u-up..." She heard a familiar voice speak. Suddenly, she felt an entire bucket of water being poured over her. She sprang up. She was soaked in ice cold water. In Front of her stood Elvy, smiling like a lunatic.

"You!" She said, also starting to smile. then she ran to him. He too set off at once.

"I'll catch you!" Rachel called out breathless. She had no hope of actually catching Elvy, he was far to fast, but where's the fun in just giving up?

"Hey you two!!" She heard Dran call from behind them. "Come back!" Rachel turned around, and walked back, knowing Elvy was coming back as well. When she reached their camp, she located her bucket of water, and waited. She lay under her fur coat. Soon she heard Elvy's soft feet on the grass. She jumped up, catapulting the water. It hit Elvy in the chest, knocking him over. Rachel stood triumphantly over him.

"Got you," She said.

"You shouldn't have done that. Now you have no water for today, and you're not getting mine," Dran said.

"No water?" Rachel asked.

"But surely we could get some from the well?" Elvy asked, still soaked.

"The well? That's in the village isn't it? We're not in the village, we only have a certain amount of water, don't use it all."

* * *

The rest of the day went by without much trouble, but Rachel had already started to notice a change in landscape. The turf was starting to become more spotted with dirt. Also, what bothered her was that the view was obscured with the hills, allowing her not to see any further.

"Tonight we camp here." She heard Dran say from behind.

"Why?" Elvy Had asked, since it wasn't even dusk yet.

"Tomorrow we set out early, we need to get across the hills tomorrow, we can't camp on them."

Rachel put down her leather backpack, tok out her book. It was two days since she had read it! That was strange. Then again, she didn't really get much time to read with all this walking. She started reading while Dran started hammering the tents into the ground.

"It's really pointless doing that." She heard Elvy say.

"Doing what?" Dran asked.

"Hammering the poles into the ground like that. We are fine with-out it." A small breeze lifted.

"The winds so close to the hills are worse." Dran said.

"Why?" Rachel asked. Dran replied:

"Wind is stronger where two worlds meet."

Please help me with this one.

Chapter 4: topic38444.html


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User avatar
228 Reviews


Points: 1203
Reviews: 228

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Tue Nov 18, 2008 2:02 am
Linx wrote a review...



Hiya again! I am not going to go into as much detail as I did the other posts.
You didn't capitalized some beginnings of some sentences. Then, you capitalized some words that you shouldn't have. You also had a lot of run-on sentences. Seperating them would help very much.
If you read this out loud to yourself, you should be able to hear where you had some of your mistakes. That is what I do when I don't know. It helps a lot.
I agree with the two before me, that part was a little bit (ok, it was more than a bit) confusing. Seperating that would help too.

What was the point of it anyway? She really couldn't see any point in it.

You just said that she really didn't think there was a point in it. It sounds a bit strange saying it again.
It would also helped the readers (me and others) if you italicized here thoughts.
The good things now! :D I like it that you are putting description in this. And you used less .......! Good job! :D




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123 Reviews


Points: 82
Reviews: 123

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Fri Nov 14, 2008 8:31 pm
Lord Anzius wrote a review...



Nice.....

Jellow Here I am.


I did not get across. the elders used a device, carved out of stone, an arch, great gargoyles on either side, like pillars. Their tongues stick out as if to mock you. The arch defies gravity. Water lies vertically in it, as if the arch is flat. The Elders mutter a few devilish words over it, you step through the water, and here I am."



I don't get it :? . Devilish words could be also interped as : curses. Who are the "elders"

And you could have told this later.

Dran didn't feel too worried about your MC using a bucket of water.

There are some technical mistakes but nothing to really mention.


Good work.

******************************

LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE :smt029




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389 Reviews


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Sat Nov 08, 2008 8:58 am
SeraphTree wrote a review...



Hello, Reuben. :D

No. I did not get across. the elders used a device, carved out of stone, an arch, great gargoyles on either side, like pillars. Their tongues stick out as if to mock you. The arch defies gravity. Water lies vertically in it, as if the arch is flat. The Elders mutter a few devilish words over it, you step through the water, and here I am."

This entire description is irrelevant at this point in time; wait until she gets there. :)

Hm. Your story feels very rushed; slow it down, have something happen to them. Give your MC more thought bubbles.

That's all I can see at the moment. :) If you need anything, throw me a PM. :D:D:D

*Seraph*





And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley